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Hello I am…….?

Nina?

Well yes that’s my name but I’m not actually sure who that is anymore.

(I’m just going to break for a moment after reading this post back it’s very metaphor heavy and for that I would like to apologise now. I’m not about to start chanting or become some kind of hippy (no offence) it’s just how the writing took me and felt the best way to write how I feel. I’ll also apologise incase you find it a little rambley – right you may continue with the post)

I’m a mum to two sets of twins.

I’m a wife to my childhood crush.

I’m a step mum to a teen.

I’m a daughter, step daughter, in law, auntie, cousin, niece and friend.

I’m a survivor of placenta percreta, I live with mental illness, and am going through the menopause.

Do these things define who I am?

I’m not sure. Of course they are part of who I am but I’m not solely those.

So who am I?

Lately I’ve struggled with knowing who I am, what I truly want out of life.

I’m not going to lie I’ve struggled with the above, being a mum to two sets of twins is hard work , and I often suck at being a wife and even daughter and friend sometimes.

I’m not sure if it’s part of my anxiety / depression or if I’m under in influence of social media and FOMO but mostly at the moment I’m struggling with knowing what I want to do next.

For ages I thought being on social media or being a blogger/ vlogger was the right thing for me. Maybe it still is but as I’ve focused on trying and failing to make me a living from it I’ve fallen out of love with it. Which has affected my creativity so I’m having a rethink.

When I was growing up I never wanted to be married, never wanted children. But then I got together with my childhood crush and he already had a son. I wanted to make us more of a bonded family and have our own children together.

A path I never would have thought about as a teenager or even in my early 20s.

I never thought I would fear my own mortality.

I never knew that I would struggle daily with anxious thoughts.

I didn’t even really know what I wanted as a career.

Now approaching 40 I’m still wondering what I want to do when I grow up.

I recently had a meeting with a family support worker who did a little life coaching with me.

She made me realise some of my passions,

She made me see a long term goal and some short term ones too.

So taking some of those guiding tools I’m going to do a few mind mapping exercises to pick my next path.

Who knows what’s at the end of it or if the destination will change along the way.

So in answer to my own question…

Who am I?

I am Nina, I’m on a journey to discovering who I am.

My first step – Fixing my mental health with some CBT. Maybe then the next path will be come clearer.

If you have any tips of finding out who I am please let me know.

I’m not talking a trek over Kilimanjaro or a week volunteering in a Buddhist temple.

Just little achievable things that I can do during nap time or maybe over a weekend.

Nina x

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Menopause Diary – Entry 4.

When you decide to start a family or expand your family you know that it’s going to change your life considerably but what I didn’t realise Is what an impact my last pregnancy would have on the rest of my life.

If you’ve visited the blog before, know me in real life or have followed my Instagram for a while you will know that I suffered a rare but life threatening pregnancy complication with my last pregnancy. Which resulted in a cesarian hysterectomy. I suffered quite a few complications from the surgery. (Twisted bowel, split wound, sepsis, 11 units of blood transfer)

But what I never took into account was that after the healing from all of those , that there would be more issues to come as a result.

The menopause isn’t something I thought about before a year ago.

It was just something that happened to older women.

Something that I didn’t really need to think about Yet.

Yet here I am 38 years old with my fingers crossed that the HRT I was given just 2 weeks ago will make me feel human again.

Will stop all my aches and pains.

Will help with the anxiety I’ve been feeling creep back up.

38 years old what should be the prime of my life really. Often though in a morning I feel more like 88.

I’m trying so hard to be healthy, lose weight, get fit, look after my body and my brain.

I’m finding this new part of me a little bit scary and overwhelming at the moment.

Please feel free to leave any tips for me to get through this new chapter in my life.

Nina x

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International Day Of Happiness & Mental Health

Living with a mental illness doesn’t mean I can’t find moments of happiness

It doesn’t mean that sometimes I can’t have happy days.

It just means I have to try harder to create happy moments.

As today is international day of happiness I thought I would list some of the things that I’m currently doing to stay on the right side of my mental illness.

  1. My most important one is swimming.  I wrote a post just a couple of days ago about how swimming is my most favourite thing.
  2. Walking – I’ve never really been one for excersize but my 20 min walks 3 times a week are now a habit and a little bit of addition. Its not just the walk that does me good but also the fresh air. Which leads me to number 3.
  3. Fresh Air – Ive written a couple of times over on instagram how I think Im literally addicted to fresh air. I love to be outdoors I love the windows open and fresh air blowing in. – This is much better when its warmer weather but even when its cold I like to wrap up warm and get outside.
  4. Talking – I talk to anyone In fact I think I’m a bit of an over sharer I have been know to discuss a whole host of my issues on instagram, in the coffee shop and at the school gate. But its good to talk, right?
  5. Coffee Time – I often feel lonely and need someone to talk to. One of the best things I find to do is nip for a coffee sometimes with the little ones sometimes on my own. But I have made friends in my local coffee shop now and often have a chat with them while I’m getting my coffee.
  6. Vitamins – If or even when I forget to take my vitamins I can really tell in my mood. Those little vitamins are essential for me. They play a really big part in my wellbeing.
  7. Creativity – Im actually in the middle of a post about the benefits of creativity and mental health but In short the process of creating rather than the finish project is what brings me most joy. I have found that when I take my time over things I’m creating It also turns out better.
  8. Family Time – Spencer’s ARC Daddy works away quite a bit so we dont really get much quality time in the week. But at a weekend I love to have a plan so that we dont waste our time together even if that plan  a movie and a picnic in our cinema room (Its not that posh just a converted summer house)
  9. A cuppa – I’m British enough said?
  10. Intervention – Which rounds up everything from HRT to my therapy that is coming up. Obviously these aren’t having much of an impact at the moment as Ive really only just started the HRT and not yet been to a therapy session but they are things that will contribute in a positive way (I hope) to my overall mood! – So if your mood is so low your struggling to manage please go and seek some intervention. I struggled on and struggled on for ages. But now Im turning a corner because I have held up my hand and said I can not cope alone with just the things listed. But goodness knows how low I would be if I didn’t do any of them!

I hope this gives you some positive motivation.

Remember you are not alone if you feel like you need to talk to someone there are some great online places out there including the Channel Mum Facebook Page. Or consult your doctor!

Nina x

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But I run like Phoebe!

If you’ve followed me for a while you will know the one activity I love to do that can be classed as “exercise” is swimming.

I just love being in the water

I’m a Leo a fire sign so maybe that’s why. Maybe I need to water to calm my fire.

But I just love it.

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I love being by the sea, walking along a river or canal, and I love swimming.

The hot tub afterwards is a bonus too.

But I’m not a swimmer. (Like I like to cook (sometimes) but I’m not a chef. )

I can’t put my head under, I’m not very good at any stroke and the idea of not being able to touch the bottom of where I’m swimming scares me.

My worst kind of death would be drowning or being in a fire.

But I love the water. It makes me feel free, it takes away most of my little niggles, I feel less anxious (unless as we’ve stated I can’t touch the bottom)

But I swim in a style that can only be described as how Phoebe (from friends) runs.

It’s a little carefree & uncoordinated.

But I’m moving my body and relaxing my mind so that’s all that matters

So if you have a favourite thing do it without a care.

As the saying goes

“Dance like nobody is watching Sing like no one is listening’

Be more Phoebe.

Nina x

 

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The Big M! – Diary Entry 1,2 &3

Friday 1st March

Ok so a couple of  weeks ago I started getting anxious about a pain in my breast.

By the time a week had passed my anxious mind had decided it was breast cancer and that I should contact the doctors.

After a quick phone call she had called me in for some blood tests the following week.

Her thoughts about the pain and other symptoms I’d been having (tinnitus, heart rate changes, anxiety creeping up and up e.t.c.)  were the same thing I had thought for a while (well before the irrational fear of breast cancer came to my head) Menopause.

I mean I had a hysterectomy not yet 2 years ago and I had been wondering at what point my menopause would kick in because although Id kept my ovaries I was told that menopause would probably happen a few years earlier than it would have!

I have been saying to my mum for a while that I wonder if some of my little niggles are menopause symptoms.

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Monday 4th March

Blood test day. I’ve grown more anxious about the pain in my breast and I’ve convinced myself I need to see the dr.

I think maybe I’ve not told her enough for her to make the correct decision.

Wednesday 5th March

Today I have been for my appointment with the doctor. Both myself and I think my doctor were  hopeful the blood tests would come back with the answer.

Unfortunately the blood tests were normal.

The doctor however is adamant that it is the early stages of menopause and that the oestrogen has just not depleted from my brain yet! although the brain fog I have would say otherwise!

So I’m on a course of oestrogen only patches or HRT. I have to go back in another couple of months and let her know how I’m feeling.

Meanwhile the pain and “oddness” in my breast she is sure is nothing to worry about but I’m to just keep an eye on it to make sure.

I have to say I really thought I would come out with a proper defined answer to all of my symptoms and in a way I have but I still cant help but worry when the blood tests came back normal!

So for now I have decided to try and put the worry out of my head (which for a self confessed hypochondriac is not easy) and start  my HRT of which I’ve chosen patches meanwhile I have self referred to Insight for some talking therapy to try calming my nerves and lift my depression.

I will of course try and post any updates.

* I have attached my first patch, which was straight forward I just hope it stays stuck especially when I go swimming later in the week.

 

Thanks for dropping by

If you have any tips to help me get through this chapter in my life they would be very much appreciated!

Nina x

 

 

 

 

 

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