Hello I am…….?

Nina?

Well yes that’s my name but I’m not actually sure who that is anymore.

(I’m just going to break for a moment after reading this post back it’s very metaphor heavy and for that I would like to apologise now. I’m not about to start chanting or become some kind of hippy (no offence) it’s just how the writing took me and felt the best way to write how I feel. I’ll also apologise incase you find it a little rambley – right you may continue with the post)

I’m a mum to two sets of twins.

I’m a wife to my childhood crush.

I’m a step mum to a teen.

I’m a daughter, step daughter, in law, auntie, cousin, niece and friend.

I’m a survivor of placenta percreta, I live with mental illness, and am going through the menopause.

Do these things define who I am?

I’m not sure. Of course they are part of who I am but I’m not solely those.

So who am I?

Lately I’ve struggled with knowing who I am, what I truly want out of life.

I’m not going to lie I’ve struggled with the above, being a mum to two sets of twins is hard work , and I often suck at being a wife and even daughter and friend sometimes.

I’m not sure if it’s part of my anxiety / depression or if I’m under in influence of social media and FOMO but mostly at the moment I’m struggling with knowing what I want to do next.

For ages I thought being on social media or being a blogger/ vlogger was the right thing for me. Maybe it still is but as I’ve focused on trying and failing to make me a living from it I’ve fallen out of love with it. Which has affected my creativity so I’m having a rethink.

When I was growing up I never wanted to be married, never wanted children. But then I got together with my childhood crush and he already had a son. I wanted to make us more of a bonded family and have our own children together.

A path I never would have thought about as a teenager or even in my early 20s.

I never thought I would fear my own mortality.

I never knew that I would struggle daily with anxious thoughts.

I didn’t even really know what I wanted as a career.

Now approaching 40 I’m still wondering what I want to do when I grow up.

I recently had a meeting with a family support worker who did a little life coaching with me.

She made me realise some of my passions,

She made me see a long term goal and some short term ones too.

So taking some of those guiding tools I’m going to do a few mind mapping exercises to pick my next path.

Who knows what’s at the end of it or if the destination will change along the way.

So in answer to my own question…

Who am I?

I am Nina, I’m on a journey to discovering who I am.

My first step – Fixing my mental health with some CBT. Maybe then the next path will be come clearer.

If you have any tips of finding out who I am please let me know.

I’m not talking a trek over Kilimanjaro or a week volunteering in a Buddhist temple.

Just little achievable things that I can do during nap time or maybe over a weekend.

Nina x

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